Authoritative vs Authoritarian Parenting: What Parents Need To Know
Key Takeaway: Authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles both involve rules and expectations, but they are different in how boundaries are communicated and enforced. Authoritative parenting combines structure with warmth and flexibility. Authoritarian parenting focuses more on obedience and control. Understanding the difference can help you set limits while also building a positive relationship with your child.
Maybe you grew up hearing phrases like "Because I said so" or "You'll understand when you're older."
And now that you're raising your own child, you might find yourself wondering if you're going to be the parent who says those kinds of things as well. You might question how much discipline is too much. Certainly, you want your child to respect boundaries and follow rules. But you probably also want them to feel safe talking to you and expressing emotions.
Finding the "perfect" balance between structure and connection isn't always easy.
Hi, I'm Dr. Ayesha Ludhani, a clinical psychologist who works with children, teens, and parents navigating emotional regulation and everyday family challenges. In my work, I often see parents who are trying their best to raise respectful, emotionally healthy children while also questioning some of the parenting approaches they experienced as a child themselves.
Understanding authoritative vs authoritarian parenting can help you become more intentional about how you respond to your child, especially during moments of conflict or big emotions.
On this page, I will explain the key differences between authoritative and authoritarian parenting, what each style looks like in everyday life, and how you can create structure while also providing emotional safety.
What is authoritative parenting?
Authoritative parenting is a style of caregiving that combines clear expectations and boundaries with responsiveness and respect for the child's feelings. Research on parenting styles also tends to describe authoritative parenting as being both high in responsiveness and demandingness.1
Parents who adopt this style are still very much in charge. They set the rules, uphold certain expectations around behavior for their children, and implement consequences when needed. But they also make room for conversations and emotions.
For example, imagine your child becomes angry because you tell them it's time to turn off the TV.
An authoritative parent may say something like, "I know you're upset because you want more time to watch your show. It's okay to be upset, but TV time is still over for tonight."
Notice how the boundary did not disappear simply because the child is upset. Instead, the child's emotion is acknowledged, and the boundary is reinforced.
In the moment, this parenting style can feel much harder than it sounds. Staying calm while your child is yelling does not always come naturally, especially if you come from a home where questioning a parent wasn't allowed.
Characteristics of authoritative parenting
Some characteristics or behaviors of a parent using authoritative parenting may include:
- Explaining the reason behind a rule
- Listening to a child's perspective
- Encouraging age-appropriate independence
- Intentionally repairing after conflict
- Adjusting expectations as your child grows The goal of authoritative parenting is to make discipline feel predictable and focused on teaching.
What is authoritarian parenting?
Authoritarian parenting is a style of caregiving that includes rules and parental authority. But with much less flexibility and emotional responsiveness than authoritative.
This style of parenting is centered on obedience. Rules are enforced because the parent has established them, and there is typically no room for processing or negotiation. If someone has this style, they may say statements like:
- "Because I said so."
- "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about."
- "Don't question me."
- "As long as you live under my roof, you will do what I say." Parents usually don't choose authoritarian parenting because they want to harm their children. They are often trying to create safety and structure. So, these responses might come from fear that a child will grow up to be disrespectful or difficult to manage. They may also be parenting in a way that feels familiar because it resembles how they were raised.
What's more, when stress is high, parents may become more rigid and shift into authoritarian parenting without even realizing it. If you're feeling overwhelmed or exhausted, "Just do what I said!" may come out a bit faster and easier than a thoughtful explanation.
The good news is that one difficult parenting moment does not define who you are as a parent and what style of parenting you have to use. A more helpful tool is to observe patterns over time.
The difference between authoritative vs authoritarian parenting
As you can probably tell by now, the biggest difference is not whether parents have rules and follow through on consequences. It's how parents use their authority and what happens when a child questions or pushes back.
Authoritative parenting usually aims to communicate a message like, "I am the parent, and I will keep the boundary. But your feelings and perspective still matter."
However, authoritarian parenting is more likely to communicate, "I am the parent, and your job is to obey."
These different messages can show up in everyday interactions. Let's consider examples of authoritative parenting and authoritarian parenting.
Imagine that your ten-year-old refuses to do their homework because they feel overwhelmed.
An authoritarian parent might say something like, "I do not care if you are overwhelmed. Sit down and finish it now."
But an authoritative response may sound like, "I can see that you are overwhelmed, but homework still needs to get done. Let's take five minutes and figure out where to start."
Notice how the expectation remains the same in both responses. What changes is the way that the parents respond to the child's experience. It's also important to note that in this example, both parents maintain authority. But the authoritative approach tends to leave more room for collaboration.
Can parenting styles impact how a child grows up?
Parenting styles don't necessarily determine how exactly a child will act and feel when they grow up. All children have their own unique temperaments and personalities that shape their development. However, there are links between parenting styles and outcomes for a child's outcomes in life.
For a long time, authoritative parenting has been connected to positive outcomes such as stronger emotional regulation, resilience, social competence, self-reliance, and academic achievement.1,2
On the other hand, there are links between authoritarian parenting and outcomes like increased anxiety, depressive symptoms, lower self-esteem, aggression, and other behavior patterns. However, these outcomes may change depending on the unique child and their cultural context.2,3
For the most part, what makes a difference in how these parenting styles impact a child's development comes from what they learn from everyday interactions with their parents.
When children experience boundaries alongside warmth, they are given the chance to understand why a rule exists, which can help them slowly develop their own decision-making skills. But when obedience is the primary goal, children can become good at following rules when the authority figure is present, but they might not fully understand why these rules matter.
Overall, it's good to be aware of how cultural values, family traditions, community expectations, safety concerns, and more can combine to influence how a child grows up.
This is one reason why I don't necessarily find it helpful to label parents as "authoritative" or "authoritarian," as they may not fall neatly into one category and stay there indefinitely. Many parents use a mixture of styles depending on their context and environment.
How to practice authoritative parenting
If you recognize some authoritarian patterns in your caregiving style, try not to worry; you do not need to reinvent yourself as a parent overnight. You can focus on making small shifts in everyday interactions. The following steps could help:
Explain boundaries when you can
Children don't necessarily need a long explanation for every decision and boundary you have set in place. But understanding the reason behind a rule, when appropriate, can help make it feel less arbitrary or unreasonable.
Validate the feeling without changing the rules
Your child is allowed to dislike a boundary, but still be expected to respect it. Throughout the examples on this page, we have seen how authoritative parenting helps you remain firm while continuing to maintain open communication with your child.
Get curious before reacting
If a behavior seems unusually intense, you might consider pausing before immediately moving toward punishment. You can start by saying, "Help me understand what happened."
This curiosity does not dismiss poor behavior, but it can give you more information to help guide your response.
Offer choices when appropriate
Age-appropriate choices can help support independence while you continue to remain in charge of large expectations. Choices you could give your child may include:
- Brushing their teeth or putting on pajamas first
- Reading a story or playing with blocks
- Starting with math or English homework
- Cleaning the table or feeding the dog
Use repair when needed
Authoritative parenting does not mean that you need to be perfect. There will be times when you lose your patience and yell or respond in a way that you later regret. When something like this happens, repair might sound like, "I was frustrated, and I should not have yelled at you. I'm sorry. Let's try that conversation again."
Repair helps a child feel safe and connected, even after a disagreement.
A note on safety
The skills mentioned are meant for typical day-to-day parenting moments. They are not meant for situations where immediate safety is at risk. If your child is doing something dangerous or likely to cause harm, then the first priority is to keep everyone safe. You can return to validation, curiosity, explanation, and repair once the situation has calmed down.
Finding a parenting style that works for your family
If you are comparing authoritarian vs authoritative parenting, keep in mind that the goal is to become more intentional about the kind of relationship that you want to build with your child.
Children need boundaries. But they also need connection and the security of knowing that difficult emotions will not threaten their relationship with you.
In my work with parents, I often help families explore communication patterns, anxiety, expectations, and parental experiences. Sometimes understanding why you react a certain way can be the first step in responding differently.
If you find yourself questioning your parenting decisions or wanting to build a more connected, authoritative relationship with your child, I would be honored to support you.
You can reach out to schedule a free consultation. Together, we can work toward parenting strategies that align with your goals and help your child have clear boundaries and a safe relationship.
References
1. Smetana, J. G. (2017). Current research on parenting styles, dimensions, and beliefs. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 19-25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.012
2. Kuppens, S., & Ceulemans, E. (2019). Parenting styles: A closer look at a well-known concept. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 28, 168-181. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x
3. Pinquart, M., & Kauser, R. (2018). Do the associations of parenting styles with behavior problems and academic achievement vary by culture? Results from a meta-analysis. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 24(1), 75-100. https://doi.org/10.1037/cdp0000149